My blessed reality...

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

For quite some time now.....this song has been in my heart. These words have been on my lips. I cannot stop thinking about how important it is to say, "Lord....I bless your name....no matter what!" And, "Yes, God - I know you love me and I know you sometimes give and you sometimes take away and I know that you do not intend to harm me but to make me complete in You." But, it's hard. It's difficult. It's painful. It's joyful. It's adventurous. It's indescribable. It's awesome. I have now been a Christian for 19 years and it does not get any easier with each passing year.

I have wanted to write about this for a while now. I want to be transparent. I want the world to know that I struggle. My biggest struggle recently was that for 18 very long months, we wanted another child. We prayed for another child. We dreamed about another child. We longed for another child. When we first started "trying again" I figured it would take a few months. But, then a few months turned into 8 months and then into a year and then into 18 months and wow....I was hurt. I felt empty. Yes, I had Jack and I was so thankful for him but why couldn't we give him a brother or a sister? What was wrong with me? with us? We watched so many people get pregnant and have babies during this time. Many of these people were very close friends. I was so happy for my friends but had so many questions especially when a single mom or a teenager would get pregnant. I struggled when people got pregnant who weren't trying. I struggled when people got pregnant with baby #3, 4, or 5. But, yet....I also struggled when people I knew got pregnant and had miscarriages or people I knew lost a child to Cancer or other tragic illness. I struggled when Jack would ask me why he didn't have a baby brother or sister.....wow.....gut wrenching!

But, during those 18 months I also learned a lot. I went to Africa for 2 weeks with my husband which would NOT have happened had I been pregnant because I wouldn't have been able to get the required vaccines or it would not have happened had I already had a second child because he or she would have been too young to leave. I studied the Bible more. I prayed more. I got to know Jack better. I got to know Chris better. I made new friends. I started my own business. I grew. But, it got harder. After many months my primary care physician suggested that we go see a fertility specialist. We went to see this doctor with an open mind but also with a very closed mind...........we only wanted to know if we could have another child biologically without spending thousands of dollars. If it was going to require thousands of dollars......we were going to begin the process for adoption right then and there and stop waiting. In short, there was nothing wrong with us except that my "timing" was a little off. So, a few pills and one shot later (that I had to give myself)......I was pregnant! A miracle growing inside of me. Finally. Praise the Lord. I firmly believe that had we not gone to see the fertility specialist I would have gotten pregnant at the same time. I guess it made me "feel better" to go. But, I know that God's timing is perfect and He is the one in control. He was in control of me getting pregnant.......this is our child kicking and squirming inside of me as I type this. This is the daughter God intended for us in just the right time. I cannot wait to meet her, to hold her, to love her more fully at just the right time.

So, I've learned a deeper meaning to the song above. I've learned what it means that God gives and takes away but I've also contemplated that even further.........

How in the world am I supposed to reconcile that to and for other people?

How do I tell my patient with Cancer and an amputated leg that God is the one who gives and takes away but you can still praise Him and bless His name?

How do I tell the family that I work with that God is the one who has taken away 2 of the husband's jobs in the past 2 years leaving them struggling financially in a way they have never known but that they can praise Him anyway? And, on top of that....they have a child with a disability??

How do I look a mom in the face who just lost a baby and tell her to praise God?

How do I tell a teenager who was kicked out of the only home she has known for the last 10 years to praise God?

How do I tell the mom whose husband is going back to Afghanistan this week that God is taking him away and she should praise Him?

How do I tell the woman I know whose husband of 23 years just up and left to praise God?

How do I deal with the fact that a friend of mine just had a cousin who was in a car wreck and both of his daughters were killed?

The answer.....I can't. It's not words. It's action. It's not me telling these people that it's all going to be okay and they can praise God anyways. It's me....loving them. It's me.....loving God and being firm in my belief so that I can love His people the way they are to be loved. It's me praying that these people will find faith and that they will come to their own conclusion that God is God. It's me being there for them in their tough times. It's me failing at this miserably but continuing to try. It's me seeing needs and trying to meet them. It's me trying to look beyond myself and my "to do list" and my desires in order to reach out to the non-Christians that I am surrounded by. It's me being led by my faith. It's me being sure of the things I hope for and certain of the things I do not see. It's me allowing God to show me how to be His ambassador. It's me laying myself down as an offering to God on a daily basis.

And, all of that is a lot to live up to. But, I must try. I must make every effort. I must and I will. And, perhaps I will see the fruit but perhaps I won't. And, if I never do.....I can still praise God because I KNOW that He Is. He gives and He takes away and His name is power and I can still praise Him.

Won't you join me?